From Drama to Discovery

by Mindy Kaleta on January 20, 2015

From Drama to DiscoveryWhen situations arise that make you so upset that all you can feel is mad, sad or bad, it can really throw you into a tailspin!  “How dare they! How could they say that to me! What makes them feel so entitled? Why didn’t I stand up for myself?” Aaaayyyccckkk!!  Yeah, we’ve all been there!

So when an interaction with another seems to leave you feeling mad, sad or bad; all that it means is that you have focused on or allowed the irritation long enough to cause you to feel the separation from who you are being right now to who you really are. In other words, you have allowed them to take you out of alignment with who you really are. And when that happens, you just aren’t going to feel good.

To feel better, put off responding, ignore for a bit, bide some time and shift your thoughts to something that will make you feel better in that moment, (get cozy, comfortable maybe indulge in your favorite activity) then grab a pen and paper and write down what this experience is telling you.

  • I don’t want that, I do want this
  • I don’t want that, I do want this
  • I don’t want that, I do want this

Yea! You’ve got it!  You really know what I want and you really know what you don’t want!  Great!  Now…try to be grateful for the clarification! You are moving closer to who you really are!

No, you don’t have to be grateful for them right now, agree with them, hang out with them, or even stay close friends; although you may be grateful for them later on when you see how you felt  this totally “annoying and maddening person” at that moment has caused you to grow.  You may come to realize that they have been an important component to your getting clear and getting you into alignment with who you really are.

When people say (and believe me I’ve said it before myself) “How can I let this go or forgive them for the way they have treated me? How could they be so cruel?”  And I’ve found that what is happening is that the part of them that makes me so angry…is what is somehow still active in me that I don’t find very appealing. And that’s why I’m so angry, sad and feeling horrible with this person and situation. They are just bringing it to the surface! Too bad for them really, because I am really giving them my undivided attention of anger, disappointment and distrust!

Most times, we aren’t even aware of all this. Because we stuff it down, don’t want to look at it. And because we don’t want to look at it, we tend to blame the person who brought it to our attention.

For example:  You have someone in your life that is always seems to rub you the wrong way.  They try to get you to do things for them that you’d really rather not. You call them “manipulative”. They really know how to push your buttons! And you give in more times than you care to remember. You feel mad, sad or bad about yourself.  You stew on it. You share the experience with a friend or as a lot of people do…post it on your facebook wall; you are probably even blogging about it!

There is a lot of focus and attention to it. You get angrier, more frustrated, (and even though others are agreeing with you and giving you moral support about how this person or situation is the “devil”) you feel even worse than you did before. Why? Because there is no real solution to “getting our annoying person to change” which is what most of us want our bothersome person to do! “They must do something to change! They need to stop this behavior!”  And we think that, “If they would just change, I would then feel better!” But we already know that we can’t change other people. They change their behavior when doing so will make them feel better. That’s the only reason any of us change something is if in the changing we will feel better.

So, what’s the fastest path to feeling good again about this person or situation?

  • Let go of the need to help them understand, or give your argument, or state your case. It probably won’t help anyway.
  • Let go of the focus and attention to it. Ask yourself these two questions.
    • What do I know for sure that I don’t want after having this conversation or experience?
    • What do I know for sure that I do want after having this conversation or experience?

It may be that you say,

  • I know for sure that I don’t like feeling manipulated
  • I know for sure that I don’t feel like I’m honoring myself and my feelings when I give in
  • I know for sure that I do want to feel appreciated for what I do for others
  • and I do want to be able to say no, when I feel pressured or disrespected

So, when you feel mad, sad or bad…just take a deep breath, step into your power. Let go of the need to respond immediately, give yourself some space and time.  Ask yourself those two questions.  Decide to be true to you.  If you are feeling like you are being manipulated, you probably are!  But in being true to yourself and who you really are, which is love for yourself and others, you recognize that what bothers you the most about this annoying person is that they can get you so derailed from your alignment! And that’s the last thing that you want!

So, after giving it some thought…give your response.  Be as honest as you can.  Refer to what you have learned about yourself and what you want and what you don’t want.  Honor that.  It’s alright to say “Yes” to what you want and can do for them, but know that it’s Okay to say “No” too.  And remember, “No” can be a complete sentence.

Ladybug Tip!

Here’s a suggestion on how to keep you focused on the times when you did keep that connection to your Source and who you really are by honoring your feelings.  Start a journal (digital or the old fashioned kind with pen and paper.)

Record your encounter, issue or situation. (Please resist the need to write an essay and put even more energy, emotion and focus to it!)  Objectively ask the two questions.

  • What do I know for sure I want?
  • What do I know for sure I don’t want?

Then write what response you decide to give. Maybe you decide that ignoring it would be a better response.  That’s okay too! Also write how that made you feel about yourself in your desire to move more towards JOY. Practice is what got us into the “people pleaser” mode and practice is what will move us towards more Authenticity.  Now, doesn’t that feel better?

P.S.

Stop Bending Over Backwards Trying to please EBook

I’ve been working hard on my book “Stop Bending Over Backwards Trying to Please!” and am getting really close to finishing it up! The above post is a sample of what is coming! Real solutions to Real Problems! CLICK HERE for more information about Emotional Fitness Series.

 

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