When Life Seems Overwhelmingly Dark And Too Painful To Go On;
Stop, Surrender, Wait
This “Surrender” thing has come up for me so many times in the past few weeks. I’ve always been a “quick start” “hands on” kind of gal, and when I can’t do that for some reason, it really drives me insane!!
Recently, I’ve had an issue with my right lower back, hip and leg for about 5 weeks now and not getting much sleep at night because of it. This past weekend I did manage to start feeling a bit better and was able to get some rest, so I believe I’m on the mend. But boy did I ever have to surrender to the fact that “No…you can’t sit at your computer all day and YES you DO need to take time to nourish your body and exercise (even if it hurts) to get your core muscles back up to snuff!”
This situation has had me reeling with emotions, partly due to the fact that I’m on meds (which I don’t like taking) and the fact that I was sleep deprived. There were many nights of pain from my lower back down my leg that had me on a roller coaster of emotions and doubting myself as to if I was worthy of being a life coach and writer and having an online biz…because I really need to be able to sit at my computer to be able to have that! And not knowing completely what was causing the pain I went into, you know that whole scenario of irrational thoughts that come up when you don’t feel well and you are tired and in pain, pacing the floor for hours because it’s the only thing that helps…kind of scenario!
So where did this leave me? I was a mess! I felt like I was stuck. Now I know I wasn’t really stuck. Ok, this is what I think it is! I had to really hit bottom to be able to lay the groundwork for my ultimate career goal. I know I love writing, I love blogging, I love publishing, I love coaching…but how are they going to fit into being a part of my ultimate income producing, Divine Life’s Purpose? I guess I felt like I was in a space of confusion, some desperation and a whole lot of “not sure what the next step will be if I can’t even sit at my computer!!” Is Someone trying to tell me something?
So, I know that when I feel like this, I need to Stop, Surrender it all and Wait for the signs and for the next step…just do what I love in this present moment and wait to receive what He is bringing and it will be in His Divine Order and Time. But I’m not good at waiting! I want to know what the next step is now (something I’m working on)…and I’ll do it! Because that’s who I am! But sometimes, we are asked to rest…take a chill break…until you receive instructions on what “to do” next. I can imagine Him looking at me and thinking, “Working with Mindy is like holding back a herd of horses!! Be careful what you give her because any little bit of inspiration and she will take off with it at full force…when in fact, I just wanted her to play with it for a while without making it something as big as a ‘Diving Life’s Purpose’!” I know…I can be a handful! And maybe…just maybe…it’s time for one of those “rest stops”, you know those times when you relax and just breathe and enjoy? (Yea, I know…for those of us who are driven…that can be a freakin’ nightmare!) But…I am learning to take time to eat, rest, play, engage in a healthy activity to keep my body strong…and not to feel guilty when I do! It’s still tough to eat, rest, play and engage in activity while I wait in surrender mode but I’m willing to give it a shot and look for the signs and then ease into it.
I’ve been reading Tosha Silver’s, Outrageous Openness and she says,
“Change me Beloved into One who easily and joyfully releases all that is ready to go. Let me bless it and let it go, making room for the new. Let me open and trust where You are guiding me, knowing my own intuition will truly show the way if I listen. Release me from the burden of old grudges and resentments. Free me from all fear and anxiety, knowing You lovingly carry me into the new. I stand in Your fierce protection always. I am Yours, You are Mine, We are One. All is well.”
I love that! For me, I will have to print that out and look at it daily…maybe hourly…so that I don’t run out of the gate before it’s time but…as I said…I’m willing to give it my all. Changing habits is not easy…but it is possible. Sometimes we are given some pretty tough challenges to wake us up, interject some humility or just get our attention! I know for me, it was a little of all those things. You can have some real conversations in the dark of night as pain is searing down your leg while the hours tick by!
So maybe this whole experience, when I was forced to surrender because that was all I could do, is my lesson. Instead of being so much in control, striving, pushing, pulling…and making it happen; maybe it’s more of what Tosha Silver mentions in her book,
“The new take on surrender I’m proposing involves expanding your consciousness about how best to approach the world and yourself so that you can live more effortlessly and joyfully.”
Wow, that’s so much in the opposite of my usual approach!
Now, I don’t think I am to change who I am…with my usual MO being a Quick Starter and One Who Gets Things Done. But I believe that if I can just listen and expand my mind in regards to the best way to approach the world and myself, (as opposed to rushing towards the gate, trying anything and everything), THEN…I can learn to live more effortlessly and joyfully while in the midst of a project and seeing it to completion.
Have you ever experienced a time when you were “stopped in your tracks” by unforeseen circumstances when life seemed overwhelmingly dark, too painful to go on and you were in the middle of one big mess? What did YOU do?
Please share on my facebook page! I would love to hear your story!