Recently I have heard from a few people who are struggling with situations or issues with someone they are close to and love very much. These situations are causing them incredible grief, sadness and frustration.
A common thread throughout these types of situations is that the person feels that there is no easy solution to this issue or disagreement and it’s been going on for quite a long time. Also, it seems that along with this disagreement, there are underlying beliefs for each of them and it seems…never the twain shall meet.
Here are some of the underlying beliefs that could be present:
- “I need to get some distance for me to be able to experience peace.”
- “I can’t just walk away or “let them go” because this is someone I love or am connected to in a personal way.”
- “If they would just change, I would then have peace, feel love and acceptance.”
- “If they would just admit they are wrong, I would be free of it and we could move on.”
But let’s take a closer look:
If we were able to view both parties simultaneously, we would most likely see that each of them can’t find their peace, even when the other isn’t around. It seems that distance doesn’t really help in these types of situations. In fact, a person could have walked away from the relationship, and there could still be struggle going on even if they weren’t in close proximity on a regular basis.
So, if the struggle is continuing, even when the person is in another house, city, state or part of the Universe…maybe…just maybe, the struggle is within us. (and this happens to all of us from time to time, so none of us are immune)
We tend to use this person as the reason for our struggle. Even if they would cease to be, we would still feel the struggle and probably coat with guilt for not clearing this thing up sooner.
So, what can we do about it?
First let’s agree…that this other person is not the reason for the struggle; it’s something that you perceive about them or the issues around it.
When someone who cares so much about you is laser focused upon you and not in alignment with Source or who they really are, it tends to feel uncomfortable because they are not coming from a place of love, but from a place of “you need to do something or change so that I will feel better”.
But…when one is in alignment with Source and love, and gives you their undivided attention, you feel loved, accepted and good all over! Right?
This happens all the time in our dealings with each other. We train each other to be responsible for another’s happiness! We all do want to feel good but then find something that another is doing that keeps us from feeling good and make them responsible for us not feeling good. We tell them that if you will just change, I could feel good. And the weird thing is that they are saying the same thing to us!
And what is this process called? “People Pleasing”! We can’t expect to hold others responsible for us feeling good because that would mean that when people engage in this behavior (and it happens all the time) we essentially are saying to EVERYONE…I need you to behave in a certain way so that I can feel good.
That causes a bit of a problem though, doesn’t it? Because not everyone is going to ask you for the same thing! Everyone is going to be asking for something different. And you can’t, as they say, “stand on your head in enough ways to please everyone”!
So again, you ask, how can I resolve this situation?
The fastest and easiest way to get there is to ask this question:
If they were different…I would feel (what emotions?)______________________________________
And you may say things like…I would feel at ease, loved, I would feel like I matter, that I’m heard, I would feel free, joyful, light, like I belong, accepted, respected, supported…etc.
Now, think about this: What if someone were making YOU responsible for their well-being? What if someone were asking YOU to be different, so that they could experience the above emotions?
If others expected that of me…I would feel overwhelmed! As in, “Please don’t put that responsibility on me; that’s too much responsibility for me to carry! And I shouldn’t have to!” And I would be right. You see where this is going?
Asking others to be different so that we can feel good is really asking the impossible and is giving away your power to be, do or have what you want in your life. Because if someone else has to change before you can get on with your life, you will be waiting quite a long time for your life to begin.
Meanwhile, Source always loves you, accepts you, compliments you, encourages you, and inspires you! When you look to Source for what you need instead of inconsistent other human beings, you begin to come forth as a confident, loving individual needing nothing from others and not asking them to do the impossible. We are all on our own individual paths. And when you put your attention on another, when you ARE connected to Source…ahhh…yes…that individual will indeed, feel that they are blessed in your presence.
So, you see, the answer to “Do I need to walk away from those I love in order to live a peaceful, happy and fulfilling life?”…the answer is absolutely not! But what you do need to do is stop expecting your needs to be met by another human being! It was never their job to be that for you. It can only come from God. Connecting to Source, knowing that you are loved, accepted just as you are and being who you really are when you are connected…begins to flow out to others. And when that kicks in, everything seems to fall into place. People are attracted to you because they can sense that there is no hidden agenda, no expectations being demanded of them, and they are fully accepted for who THEY are. It’s a wonderful thing.