Okay…I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately since I’m working on my book, Stop Bending Over Backwards Trying to Please and Start Being Who You Really Are! And the thought of why we consider people to be toxic keeps rolling around in my mind. I mean, are they really toxic? Or being toxic with their behavior?
So, here’s what I came up with. I really don’t believe that any of us came with the intention to be annoying, irritable, manipulative, rude…or any number of labels that we place upon our “toxic people” (TP’s as I call them), but that somewhere along the way, those who are considered by others to be “difficult” or “toxic” people, picked up the notion/feeling/belief that they were unloved and possibly unloveable. And most likely the behavior is a desperate attempt to fight for what they feel they have lost.
So, where would one get the feeling that they ARE loved and loveable? Where does that emotion come from? I believe that the only place it can come from is from Source. So, if Love comes from Source, and it’s said that God is Love, then those who do not feel that love must be experiencing some type of disconnect, wouldn’t you say?
And if they are experiencing some disconnect, then wouldn’t it be safe to surmise that they truly must be going through some challenging and terrifying issues. And if they are going through challenging issues where they feel vulnerable, afraid and uncertain, which we all know is not a very comfortable place to be, maybe we can then recognize this person and their behavior as someone who is struggling.
Now, I’m not trying to “down-play” the suffering of those who deal with people who seem to be toxic because I’ve been there myself and it is totally real! What I am saying is that, the people we label as “toxic”, “rascals” or “pain in our (you know what)…are just people who have lost their way and trying desperately to find themselves. They are really, not being who they really are. Because what we ALL are, is an extension of Source. We all have that in us!
So, if all of this is true, (and if you don’t agree, that’s okay, at least it gives you food for thought), then we can all see these people through different eyes, that would be beneficial to both us and our difficult person. And here is what I mean by that:
1. To have more empathy towards them for the pain they are suffering
2. To realize truly that their toxic behavior has absolutely NOTHING to do with you/us!!
Now, isn’t that good news!!?? For years, I would think that I’ve done something wrong, that I needed to change, that I must twist myself into a million different pretzel forms to conform and please those whom I considered “toxic people”. But that is really asking the impossible!
You can’t stand on your head in enough ways to make one bit of difference. What it does is keep you focused upon the whole scenario! The focus to it then makes it even bigger and bigger and then since you are focused on it and lined up with it, it tends to happen over and over again! Focus keeps it active in your experience!
Okay, what can you and I do if we are dealing with a “difficult” relationship? How can we change our perspective to be able to let go of the drama and live the life that we were intended to live?
Here’s my suggestions that I personally have or plan to put into place (feel free to use them as well!):
- I will not see the “person as toxic” (and it’s easy to do when you are in the throes of chaos) but view the person’s behavior as “toxic” – so “a toxic person or relationship” means a person behaving in a toxic way or a relationship that is toxic
- I will see them how Source sees them and understand that the behavior is not something that has anything to do with me, but it’s between the person and their Source – and it is none of my business
- I can offer them kindness, love and emotional support – as long as it doesn’t take me down to the mud puddle with them
- I have the right to walk away, if they want to stay in the mud puddle of fear, obligation or guilt and decide not to connect to their Source – I do have the right to my own happiness and to put boundaries in place, let go or walk away.
I know that I picked up a strong popular belief that has not served me well and that is: “You are responsible for other people”. That is probably one of the greatest lies that has put more people into therapy than any other!
What that belief has done is put me in the position of judging and deciding what’s best for others. And that my friends will get you into all kinds of situations where you cannot help but be frustrated. Why? Because…
You are not and never really were responsible for the actions of others!
Now, I’m not talking about taking care of your children or parents or showing loving kindness and direction. I’m talking about getting our noses in other people’s business where it doesn’t belong. And I for one, am pretty weary of worrying about what anyone else is doing! How about you? Now doesn’t that feel better!?
Please feel free to give your feedback via a reply to this email, comment on my blog or post a like or comment on my facebook page. I really want to know what you think! We’ve all been there, none of us are immune, so your unique perspective is invited and encouraged.
Till next time…